remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
