I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
