New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
