my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
