just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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