thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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