im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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