Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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