toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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