I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
