i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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