My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
50% drunk capacity currently
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
