I cannot find my penis.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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