I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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