smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
