false alarm. still invincible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am available for nakedness
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
