i love accidental penises.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
