My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
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