My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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