shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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