when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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