I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
