Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
