haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
