he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
