I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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