hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
