i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
