i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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