Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
