Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
