If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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