someone threw a dead crab at me
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
