So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
