I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
