So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
