John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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