I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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