i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
