My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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