i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
