If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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