Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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