Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
