I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
