in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
