he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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