i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
