i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
