called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
