i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
