Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
