Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
