So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
